T Poor On The Beach

Had a grrrrreat time at T4 On The Beach yesterday. Kelly Rowland's was particularly amazing. Sure, her hair was sliding off the back of her head, she ripped off Beonce songs like 'Throw Your Hands Up At Me' by Destiny Child and her 50 year old face wobbled in the sea breeze, but it was good.

Caught a glimpse of Jamie Oliver's sister, Maquita, eating a sausage too (no bun, just the sausage) and Rod tried to chat up Alexa Chung by shouting "Phwoar" at her, y'know, like he does. Sadly for Rod she mocked him, shouting "Look it's COD Stewart [not Rod Stewart]! He smells of fish. What a skank!" Everyone laughed and found it so funny they stopped calling Alex Zane an arse burger for a full twenty minutes.

Rod was madder than Kelly Rowland's embarrassed forehead.

Steaming Wolf Penis

Forget Wolfmother, Patrick Wolf, Wolf & Cub, Wolf Parade, Turbowolf, Fox'n'Wolf and Peter And The Wolf, what am I listening to at the moment? Steaming Wolf Penis of course!

They put all other wolf bands to shame. Check out their picture. The big lad's the drummer, bless him.




A band with an album called 'Assholes & Hand Grenades' surely can't be very savory, you'd think, but wait, what's this? THE BEST SONG EVER WRITTEN called ' 123456 Hamster'! And another cracker called 'Looks Like Chocolate, Tastes Like Shit'. Yeah, these guys are the real deal. Like Rod Stewart has always been and Ronnie Wood has been for the past week.



Check em out for yourself HERE.

On a serious note though, I'd like to dedicate 'Corpsetastic' - track one of Steaming Wolf Penis' album - to the troubled star Ronnie Wood.

Kiss my Faces!

You might have read today, on various website that like to stir trouble, that Rod Stewart's Faces might be reforming. Now, as Rod's BEST FRIEND, I can tell you all that this is a fib!

Ian McLagan, the band's keys player (Pah! KEYS!), told BBC 6 Music: "We're hoping to get together later this year to play and then we may have some news, but I want it to happen, badly. Rod hasn't wanted to do it for a long time. He didn't see the need in it but I think he really wants to now."

First of all, I bet you "want it to happen, badly" Ian, you arse! While Rod has moved on and released over 4 great songs since The Faces you've probably not even written 3. Not that I've heard of anyway. And, secondly, as if he'd be up for now! He's a legend.

Ian's wild imagination than said: "It would be great to record new tracks. I have a couple of songs that Rod might like. We'd have to see - I think that would be the way to go, though, not just to go out on tour. It'd be great to have an album." You have some new tracks worthy of Rod do you Ian? Good as 'Sailing' are they? Yeah, EXACTLY! And I'm sure it would be great to have an album but it'd also be good to have Pam Anderson as a pillow at night but it's not happening in this lifetime son!

Besides, as if Rod would jeopardise our Mario Cart tournament that hes committed to just to play silly music with old men that haven't aged as well as he has! They're not even as sexy as Rod! Jog on boys.

...did I mention that we're best friends?

Make me an offer I...

Like our editor who went to Wireless festival and was nearly sick on his own penis when asked by a turd in a Volvo bib if he "fancies winning a car today?", I've been offered loads of tid bits at festivals over the years. Some treats, some tricks. Here's my top five and you can decide which I considered to be which...

1. At V Festival > a hand shake from George Lamb from T4. His fingers smelt of cod, he wouldn't stop bragging about knowing Lily Allen and he had a noticeable semi lob on.

2. At T In The Park > to hold a ginger chap's chap while he necked a disco biscuit and took a wizz at the same time.

3. At Coachella > a chance to see bag of bones Madonna make her festival debut performance the most embarrassing 20 minutes since some other wrinkly scrotum crowbar-ed on a leotard and thrust it out like skin-flick geriatric looking as sexy as Kerry Katona sucking the processed meat out of 500 Iceland sausages rolls.

4. At Glastonbury > Nits

5. A Wireless > A blackberry deal by a man who "loves music by all the top bands." Everyone from "The Cooks to Skanking for Girls, Feelings, Kelvin Harris and Kaiser Chiefs." I went for the Surf Time 200 deal in the end just to get the total egg away from me as soon as I realised it was Ricky Wilson.

My naughty fame

So (don't you just love it when people start pieces of writing with the word 'so'?) as you know Loud And Quiet magazine is how I shot to fame as the last of London's true playboys. First I was their club reporter and then - after a trouser accident in Fabric, which incidentally destroyed the fabric of my dockers beyond repair - the fine rag started documenting my lust life, monthly, on its Party Wolf photo casebook page.

A couple of my previous sexy scrapes you'll find HERE but for the latest peep into my naughty life (featuring fellow lady-knobber Rod Stewart, my best friend from Worzel Gummidge) you'll have to pick up the mag's new copy next Saturday (July 19th).

Last month you might remember that I met a cracking blonde piece with a bait rack down the polling station. Well, I took Boris out shortly after so read about how I got on only in the new issue. If you're dead keen you can even order a copy for a fiver to be delivered to your door. Just email, info@loudandquiet.com.

Buy buy!

A (re) Touching Piece of television

There was a brilliant program on last night, presented by ex-Misteeq lass Alicia. It was all about how magazines retouch pictures of girls to make them sexy, and - oddly - how wrong that was. Anyway, apart from the program falling short on credibility due to its hostess being right up my street (with a mug in no need of retouching herself) they did this bait exercise where they showed people her untouched and with warts'n'all and let the plebs decide which was best.

Now, I work for a mag that refuses to retouch images, namely cos we don't features munts in the first place, and because we're not trained enough to retouch like the pros. But we've given it a go below with our fine Queen. Who glows, you decide?

Re-touched



Notice that we've added a smile to this image, something that the queen never does. Should this be printed, the publication responsible would have to defend the image saying that out of shot Prince Philip was doing his infamous elephant impression.

Un-touched



Kinda makes you question why we'd bother with re-touching doesn't it? Glossy hair, stylish make up, the latest blue tooth handset and B&H blazing a trail of sweet sweet nicotine. Our monarch as she should be truly represented on stamps and fivers I feel.

Wimble-bum

While I think of it, did anyone else clock me and Rod Stewart at Wimbledon yesterday. The Beeb caught us in shot sharing a joke as Rod text a tart and the lady to my left sat on a stick.



I always thought that when they show famous people at sporting events it was all planned but it's really not. We were just hanging out like we do on Sundays and "pap" we got snapped.

Then this naughty man did this... just as they called for "new balls please". The clown!

Iron Maiden Dweebs

Music is for all sorts of people, sure. But what's up with Iron Maiden fans? Seriously!?

I was in Waterloo station as their adoring computer programmers spilled off of train in matching skeletons-on-motorbikes tees, and one spod had the cheek to mutter "spastic" in my direction.

Well excuse me for moving out of my mother's house before I reach my 30s and for having a barnet void of a parent-pleasing parting. You know that that tour t-shirt you're wearing (and what dick does that these days) will have to be kept downstairs tonight because of the nightmares you'll get knowing it's hanging in your cupboard. It's that Aphex Twin video you watched in your mid 20s all over again. And in between dreaded regret at buying your new garb to fit in with Alan from finance - who's lives at home but stopped having nightmares last year - you have the cheek to call me a "spastic"!

And I suppose all kids in coloured jeans are "queers", right?

I've arrived

Can I talk my shit again? Of course I can. Only it's not again, is it? Cos this is my first blog EVER!

I'm Party Wolf, regular star of Loud And Quiet Magazine, a monthly independent music mag that bangs on about new bands in London (you can check out all of that at
www.loudandquiet.com).

I'm a bit of a lady's wolf, for sure, and as such my hero and best friend is Rod Stewart from Worzel Gummidge. He's only 4ft 3" but I love him like Banksy loves hype.

Anyway, I'd heard about blogging etc so thought it'd be a grand idea to start on of my own. Here it is!

Hug, PW x