T Poor On The Beach

Had a grrrrreat time at T4 On The Beach yesterday. Kelly Rowland's was particularly amazing. Sure, her hair was sliding off the back of her head, she ripped off Beonce songs like 'Throw Your Hands Up At Me' by Destiny Child and her 50 year old face wobbled in the sea breeze, but it was good.

Caught a glimpse of Jamie Oliver's sister, Maquita, eating a sausage too (no bun, just the sausage) and Rod tried to chat up Alexa Chung by shouting "Phwoar" at her, y'know, like he does. Sadly for Rod she mocked him, shouting "Look it's COD Stewart [not Rod Stewart]! He smells of fish. What a skank!" Everyone laughed and found it so funny they stopped calling Alex Zane an arse burger for a full twenty minutes.

Rod was madder than Kelly Rowland's embarrassed forehead.

Make me an offer I...

Like our editor who went to Wireless festival and was nearly sick on his own penis when asked by a turd in a Volvo bib if he "fancies winning a car today?", I've been offered loads of tid bits at festivals over the years. Some treats, some tricks. Here's my top five and you can decide which I considered to be which...

1. At V Festival > a hand shake from George Lamb from T4. His fingers smelt of cod, he wouldn't stop bragging about knowing Lily Allen and he had a noticeable semi lob on.

2. At T In The Park > to hold a ginger chap's chap while he necked a disco biscuit and took a wizz at the same time.

3. At Coachella > a chance to see bag of bones Madonna make her festival debut performance the most embarrassing 20 minutes since some other wrinkly scrotum crowbar-ed on a leotard and thrust it out like skin-flick geriatric looking as sexy as Kerry Katona sucking the processed meat out of 500 Iceland sausages rolls.

4. At Glastonbury > Nits

5. A Wireless > A blackberry deal by a man who "loves music by all the top bands." Everyone from "The Cooks to Skanking for Girls, Feelings, Kelvin Harris and Kaiser Chiefs." I went for the Surf Time 200 deal in the end just to get the total egg away from me as soon as I realised it was Ricky Wilson.