Like our editor who went to Wireless festival and was nearly sick on his own penis when asked by a turd in a Volvo bib if he "fancies winning a car today?", I've been offered loads of tid bits at festivals over the years. Some treats, some tricks. Here's my top five and you can decide which I considered to be which...
1. At V Festival > a hand shake from George Lamb from T4. His fingers smelt of cod, he wouldn't stop bragging about knowing Lily Allen and he had a noticeable semi lob on.
2. At T In The Park > to hold a ginger chap's chap while he necked a disco biscuit and took a wizz at the same time.
3. At Coachella > a chance to see bag of bones Madonna make her festival debut performance the most embarrassing 20 minutes since some other wrinkly scrotum crowbar-ed on a leotard and thrust it out like skin-flick geriatric looking as sexy as Kerry Katona sucking the processed meat out of 500 Iceland sausages rolls.
4. At Glastonbury > Nits
5. A Wireless > A blackberry deal by a man who "loves music by all the top bands." Everyone from "The Cooks to Skanking for Girls, Feelings, Kelvin Harris and Kaiser Chiefs." I went for the Surf Time 200 deal in the end just to get the total egg away from me as soon as I realised it was Ricky Wilson.
