Chirstmas TV

That was it, was it? Christmas, gone for another year?

Did you have a good time, cos I bloody didn't. I mean, how guff was the telly this year? Bar Bruce Forsyth mincing around on a re-run of a 70s Generation Game, saying "Alright my love?" it really was shit, wasn't it?!

If you've not got a telly, firstly you really are a pikey bastard cos they're cheaper than a standard Pay As You Go Phone these days, or two nights with Jodie Marsh (doctor's bill not included), but that's your business. Here's what you missed...

Wallace And Gromit: Another Shit Tale - Annoyingly they cut the scene when the bald fella spreads Dairylea on his nob and shouts "Dinner Time!" at the poor hairy one... AGAIN!

Morcombe & Wise: Christmas Special - No, I'd not seen it before either, but it's apparently really old, they just never show it on TV. It was really pants.

Dads Army: Who Do You Think You're Kidding? - The clue was in the title of this one.

Hang on, if you've not got a TV, what's with the computer???

Blurry-eye?

Have you heard? Blur have reformed!!! YESSSS!!!!!!!

Some people think it's the best news since Hole In The Wall was first aired, others think it's a right load of guff. But which camp are you in? Take my new test to find out...

When you heard Blur were back together did you...
a) Punch the air, then your boss, shout "This is NOT a low!" and run home with damp trousers?
b) Whip yourself with a kettle flex as tears of guilt ran down you cheeks?
c) Ban your son from leaving the house so that his fat, pikey mate won't upset him again?
d) Vomit?
e) Nearly smile?


If you answered...
a> You like Blur, which is good because you are now jobless, not for the boss-punching but the terrible smart-arse pun. You're also covered in piss!
b> You'd never admit it but you like Blur too. You're like a monk who saw Kerry Katona on Heat accidentally and got a semi chunk-on. Or you're Noel Gallagher.
c> You're Graham Coxon's mother.
d> You're hung over and no news could keep that sausage sarnie down. How you feel about Blur is now staring at you from the stained carpet, you wretched creature.
e> You're Dave Rowntree (oh c'mon! The guy in Blur? The drummer? Always miserable? HE SITS AT THE BACK)

One For The London Partiers

Remember when Hoxton Bar & Grill was a solid night out? Well it's not anymore. Not on a Saturday at least.

Myself and three friends went this week, see. We (me, Egg Face, Walter and The Duke) queued up for an age, noticing that the bouncers were timing when to let in the next dozen people - "It's only been 9 minutes," says Meat For Brains 2 to Steroid Tits 1 as he counts down that crucial last 60 seconds. But the real joke was inside, at Sausage Fest 2009!

I don't care that there were few girls there (I'm taken), but what irked was the fact that dancing to the fucking awful DJ, still mixing Fat Man Scoop with 'Jump Around' (SERIOUSLY!), were the most retched lasses I've seen since putting up with shitholes in Southend. The lads we're all agro-seekers from nearby office jobs, chasing skirt and STIs from the present rancid girls. Intimidating, vile and soundtracked by the worst music this side of DJ Luck & MC Neat. Avoid like a frenchie from Amy Whiiiinehouse!

Tardiness

Sorry I've been so tardy recently chucks. All sorts of stuff has been going on.

Truth be told, Rod and I had a little of a falling out (which his missus, Penny, joked was 'just like his weave'- we laughed) about this whole "I've-reformed-The-Faces-but-will-not-be-asking-you-to-play-instead-of-Ronnie-the-crow" thing. We've sorted it all out now, after Rod bought my friendship back... like he does. I love my new tennis court, even if I do still believe that Ronnie is a traitor for joining The Stones.

Good to see Rod in NME last week too, and about bloody time. For some reason he wasn't the cover star, which was odd, but he's still framed the article next to cuttings from Select, Mojo and Short Stop (a Dutch mag for the vertically challenged gent).

Promise to write again soon, now that I'm sleeping at night again.

Evil Slime-man

Just been reading this month's OMM,which is usually a cracking little read. But, namely for one reason, this latest issue smells like a rotting shit.

If you've bothered leafing through the new mag you'll no doubt have read a feature by Eva Wiseman on the NME, whereby she spent a week in the silly mag's office. Now, we all like an NME-bash every now and then but Wiseman is clearly a slimy witch. She makes sly digs at Editor Conor Mcnicholas, his staff - whom a not young Eva is clearly jealous of - and the NME building (yeah, what a desperate hag, aye?).

Most annoyingly, Evil Slime-man fails to mention how she was a freelance writer for the magazine for a good number of years. So, Eva, do you sound jealous and bitter? YES! Was a job that was meant to be yours given to someone with a haircut that matched their age? PROBABLY! But most importantly, does you spending a week at NME mean that the mag (grotty in their policies or not) is still relevant (something that Slime-man seems to be investigating)? Clearly.

And your relations with one of Vincent Vincent And The Villains (a band that NME rightly can't stand) is probably something you should keep shtum about also.

Chinese Democrappy

As ginger turd Axl Rose finally announces the track listing for 'Chinese Democrappy', you've got to ask yourself, "Am I more or less bothered about this than the size of Kate Nash's last poo?" The answer: less. And, for the record, I didn't care much that Nash stunk out my loo when she popped in the other day.

Rod (Stewart - my BEST friend) says, "I met Axl Rose once. He spat on me, shouting, 'I hate you, you fishy bastard!'." I say, Axl, you punk, you're just jealous because Rod is two foot taller than you. Anyway, if you care at all, here's the track listing.

1. Slash Has Left (pt 1)
2. Cornrow Dreams
3. I Am Alone
4. Bucket Head?
5. Orange IS A Good Colour
6. Slash On My Face (I Wish He Was)
7. Sweet Child O Mine
8. Chinese Democrappy
9. Feet Of A Troll
10. Slash Has Left (pt 2)
11. Cod Stewart
12. R Kelly's Alright By Me
13. Cornrow Nightmares (I'll Kill That Pigeon)
14. Never Trust A Top-Hatted Man

RinGO AWAY!

You've gotta love Ringo Starr. The stoned Beatle has only gone and told his fans that he'll not be signing any fan mail or objects ever again. On his site he's says...

“I’m warning you with peace and love I have too much to do. So no more fan mail. Thank you, thank you. And no objects to be signed. Nothing.”

Fair play I say, especially as poor Ringo's been scribbling on everything from photos to under-shanks of old bints since 1963. Poor sod.

In other news, The Pigeon Detectives are still offering £5 per fan letter they receive. "We've spent 25 quid so far," said the one with a cock nose. "That's like... errr... errr... 3... no, 3... no it is 3... errr... loads of fans." Oh, and Ringo is still making toast. LOOK HERE