Evil Slime-man

Just been reading this month's OMM,which is usually a cracking little read. But, namely for one reason, this latest issue smells like a rotting shit.

If you've bothered leafing through the new mag you'll no doubt have read a feature by Eva Wiseman on the NME, whereby she spent a week in the silly mag's office. Now, we all like an NME-bash every now and then but Wiseman is clearly a slimy witch. She makes sly digs at Editor Conor Mcnicholas, his staff - whom a not young Eva is clearly jealous of - and the NME building (yeah, what a desperate hag, aye?).

Most annoyingly, Evil Slime-man fails to mention how she was a freelance writer for the magazine for a good number of years. So, Eva, do you sound jealous and bitter? YES! Was a job that was meant to be yours given to someone with a haircut that matched their age? PROBABLY! But most importantly, does you spending a week at NME mean that the mag (grotty in their policies or not) is still relevant (something that Slime-man seems to be investigating)? Clearly.

And your relations with one of Vincent Vincent And The Villains (a band that NME rightly can't stand) is probably something you should keep shtum about also.

Chinese Democrappy

As ginger turd Axl Rose finally announces the track listing for 'Chinese Democrappy', you've got to ask yourself, "Am I more or less bothered about this than the size of Kate Nash's last poo?" The answer: less. And, for the record, I didn't care much that Nash stunk out my loo when she popped in the other day.

Rod (Stewart - my BEST friend) says, "I met Axl Rose once. He spat on me, shouting, 'I hate you, you fishy bastard!'." I say, Axl, you punk, you're just jealous because Rod is two foot taller than you. Anyway, if you care at all, here's the track listing.

1. Slash Has Left (pt 1)
2. Cornrow Dreams
3. I Am Alone
4. Bucket Head?
5. Orange IS A Good Colour
6. Slash On My Face (I Wish He Was)
7. Sweet Child O Mine
8. Chinese Democrappy
9. Feet Of A Troll
10. Slash Has Left (pt 2)
11. Cod Stewart
12. R Kelly's Alright By Me
13. Cornrow Nightmares (I'll Kill That Pigeon)
14. Never Trust A Top-Hatted Man

RinGO AWAY!

You've gotta love Ringo Starr. The stoned Beatle has only gone and told his fans that he'll not be signing any fan mail or objects ever again. On his site he's says...

“I’m warning you with peace and love I have too much to do. So no more fan mail. Thank you, thank you. And no objects to be signed. Nothing.”

Fair play I say, especially as poor Ringo's been scribbling on everything from photos to under-shanks of old bints since 1963. Poor sod.

In other news, The Pigeon Detectives are still offering £5 per fan letter they receive. "We've spent 25 quid so far," said the one with a cock nose. "That's like... errr... errr... 3... no, 3... no it is 3... errr... loads of fans." Oh, and Ringo is still making toast. LOOK HERE

Razorlight are THE shit!

I was feeling a bit "boo hoo" about my summer holiday ending (been in Barcelona last week, which is well boss!) but then Rod came home with the new Razorlight album.

He's a bit mardy cos it shits on The Faces (oops, pardon!) and is literally the best thing I've ever heard. SERIOUSLY! ITS EVEN BETTER THAN 'MAGGIE MAY'. Sure, Johnny Borrell has clearly lost his mind, producing an album of soft rock stadium shmultz, but lyrically it's out of this world.

Ricky Wilson, you fat turd, you can keep your "what do you want for tea? I want crisps" gash. We've got Razorlight back now. There's one track on here called 'North London Trash', on which dear old Johnny parps on about the colour of his Converse and his girl "with a hot body". We also learn that Johnny was "raised by a radio in a broken home", which must have been truly shocking at bath time.

Pete Went(z) to the gun cabinet... the prick

I'd never buy Playboy, of course. Degrading is all that naked flesh, blonde hair and poons. But I've just heard that a massive nipple is in this month's booby mag, talking about how he once played Russian roulette.

Pete Wentz (the old one from Fall Out Boy who still sings about the prom but actually sacked off second grade just before his 38th birthday - the quitter) told Playboy, “I pulled a trigger on a gun aimed at myself. My friend and I did one pull each. We’d been drinking and had taken Ambien. I feel stupid even talking about it. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never owned a gun - I’m too impulsive. I’d probably get mad and shoot someone over a part in a song or something.”

It got me thinking. Firstly, there is clearly no God. Secondly, one pull is not enough Pete, how about a proper game? Maybe with Jay Kay so that we're all winners even if you luck out? Thirdly, can this story hold water seeing as Pete has made up that he has a friend? And finally, Pete, your birthday present is in the post. It's something you've never owned before, which'll be nice for you. Oh, and the round one from Kaiser Chiefs said a part of your song was "gash", or something.

There Was A Light, and it just went out!

So Johnny Marr has joined The Cribs. Not, contributed to a song. Not appeared on stage with them. Not said, "The Cribs? Yeah, they're alright". JOINED them!

As a result, if anyone would like any of my Smiths records, or my ears to prevent me from accidentally hearing a Cribs/Marr monstrosity and time soon, bring a van and/or some garden shears around.

Agony Wolf No 1: Dicknose!

Dear Party Wolf,

I'm one confused ginger singer of a famous (and brilliant) band. I've always said "I want to fall from the stars" but the other night I found myself falling with and on a star.

After my weekly trip to the fairground I was partying hard at China White (money's not too tight to mention for my rich booty, HA!). It was there I saw Slipknot's Dick Nose - real name Jodie - dancing away. I danced with her cos I'm really geez and thought I'd pull her. But then something bad happened. Dick Nose slipped over on my dribble (I do that), I went to help her up, and the next thing I know I've fallen seat first onto her schnoz. The thing is, I liked it. Does this make me a fruit?

Yours, Anon (Mick Hucknall)

PW say... No Mick, it does not make you 'a fruit'. But it does make you a raging gay, not least because Jodie is a man.