Pete Went(z) to the gun cabinet... the prick

I'd never buy Playboy, of course. Degrading is all that naked flesh, blonde hair and poons. But I've just heard that a massive nipple is in this month's booby mag, talking about how he once played Russian roulette.

Pete Wentz (the old one from Fall Out Boy who still sings about the prom but actually sacked off second grade just before his 38th birthday - the quitter) told Playboy, “I pulled a trigger on a gun aimed at myself. My friend and I did one pull each. We’d been drinking and had taken Ambien. I feel stupid even talking about it. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never owned a gun - I’m too impulsive. I’d probably get mad and shoot someone over a part in a song or something.”

It got me thinking. Firstly, there is clearly no God. Secondly, one pull is not enough Pete, how about a proper game? Maybe with Jay Kay so that we're all winners even if you luck out? Thirdly, can this story hold water seeing as Pete has made up that he has a friend? And finally, Pete, your birthday present is in the post. It's something you've never owned before, which'll be nice for you. Oh, and the round one from Kaiser Chiefs said a part of your song was "gash", or something.

There Was A Light, and it just went out!

So Johnny Marr has joined The Cribs. Not, contributed to a song. Not appeared on stage with them. Not said, "The Cribs? Yeah, they're alright". JOINED them!

As a result, if anyone would like any of my Smiths records, or my ears to prevent me from accidentally hearing a Cribs/Marr monstrosity and time soon, bring a van and/or some garden shears around.

Agony Wolf No 1: Dicknose!

Dear Party Wolf,

I'm one confused ginger singer of a famous (and brilliant) band. I've always said "I want to fall from the stars" but the other night I found myself falling with and on a star.

After my weekly trip to the fairground I was partying hard at China White (money's not too tight to mention for my rich booty, HA!). It was there I saw Slipknot's Dick Nose - real name Jodie - dancing away. I danced with her cos I'm really geez and thought I'd pull her. But then something bad happened. Dick Nose slipped over on my dribble (I do that), I went to help her up, and the next thing I know I've fallen seat first onto her schnoz. The thing is, I liked it. Does this make me a fruit?

Yours, Anon (Mick Hucknall)

PW say... No Mick, it does not make you 'a fruit'. But it does make you a raging gay, not least because Jodie is a man.

Star Bores No. 1

Yep, I'm delving into the world of astronomy. And why not?

First up, here's what the stratosphere is telling me to pass on to all you Cancer the craps. Snip snip!



At a time when your world seems to be tipping on its head, why not take some time out Cancer, you crab? If the world's putting its feet up this week, why can't you? Sure, you're a crustacean who walks sideways but we all need a break, so practice what you preach and enjoy some me time. Oh, and a meeting in a town centre will prove interesting in you lovelife, if you're not stood up outside Argos again, you tosser!

Be your own pest

Reading is kicking off!

It looked liked Be Your Own Pet had let a special needs kids play bass for them, but it was actually they're real bassist, just mega pissed up. He split his head open and spat EVERYWHERE!

Then, Rod (Stewart - my BFF) pissed himself laughing, for real. It all ran out of his kilt. Penny was mad!

Like I say, KICKING OFF!

Raging against machines!

It's here! Reading Festival: three days of sitting in a dust-bowl of an arena, watching doom cookies melt in heats up to 18 degress! Phew! I'm only doing one day of the festival, having shipped in to watch anti-capitalists Rage Against The Machine play they're 4.5 million quid show - talk about nobbing the man in the arse!

I need to get home before Sunday for sure. That's when all the kids who smell like bum have their way, worship old men who are still in bands and wear Jack Skellington back packs. It's like Camden market has chundered over some of the ones I've seen already.

So today it's all about rage. I'll let you know how it goes. So far I've raged against a coffee machine for spilling a brown stain on my chinos and had stern words with a coke machine which gave me diet instead of full fat, even though I hit the normal coke button.

Wosit coming over the hill? It's Mr Blobby!

Just heard the new Kaiser Chief’s single. It’s called ‘Never Miss A Beat’ and it includes the lines “What do you want for tea? I want crisps” and “It’s cool to know nothing”. So there you have it, damning proof that the Pigeon Detectives are the second biggest shits on the planet!