Crystal Arseholes

You'll not believe this guys, but you know that band Crystal Castles? Yeah y'do, they're that boy/girl duo from Canada. The fella's 38 but swears he's 25 so it doesn't look like his a total pedophile when he's sleazing all over his band mate, Alice. No? Okay, well it's not important because, having sold 5 copies of their album, they'll not be around long I'm sure.

The story goes that the mag I work for, Loud And Quiet, kindly gave them a cover feature, thinking they were great. The band then kicked up a fuss because they didn't like the photo L&Q were intending to use, which the band willingly posed for. Having seen the photo posted on Andrew Kendall's (the photographer) website the day after the shoot, the band hounded Andrew rudely stating that "it was a terrible picture". Loud And quiet ran it anyway, sticking to their guns, prompting the band to email the editor threatening legal action, while pretending to be their manager (very mature).

Recently the band started complaining again because promoters have been using the picture to advertise CC gigs, even though - gasp - "the band really hate that picture". They've just blocked the mag from their myspace page (again, mature, old man, very mature) and so here's the picture. Please use it everywhere you can, and simply credit the brilliant photographer Andrew Kendall. And if you want the high res to print posters or big fuck-off posters, please contact the snapper at www.andrewkendall.com. It's a pretty great picture I think, and surely the band don't have a problem with it because of Ethan's rad T-shirt, although his Ghost Busters one must have be in the wash that day, which I'm sure was a bitter pill for him to swallow, the cunt!

Coke Is A Joke... and sometimes nice?

So Lily Allen has been attacked in the press for glorifying drugs or something...

Well, if you ask me, what she said in a recent interview with The Word magazine is completely true and we should all stop being naive little bed-wetters.

Lily said: "The only [newspaper] story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you - I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem. But we never hear that side of the story."

And, sorry Dail Mail readers, it's completely true. Cocaine makes you nob-head, won't do anything for the size of your junk and causes all sorts of health and money problems. And yet it's used by a lot of people A LOT of the time who lead functional lives, get bored and stop their silly drug phase.

And another thing, girls do poos too!

Chirstmas TV

That was it, was it? Christmas, gone for another year?

Did you have a good time, cos I bloody didn't. I mean, how guff was the telly this year? Bar Bruce Forsyth mincing around on a re-run of a 70s Generation Game, saying "Alright my love?" it really was shit, wasn't it?!

If you've not got a telly, firstly you really are a pikey bastard cos they're cheaper than a standard Pay As You Go Phone these days, or two nights with Jodie Marsh (doctor's bill not included), but that's your business. Here's what you missed...

Wallace And Gromit: Another Shit Tale - Annoyingly they cut the scene when the bald fella spreads Dairylea on his nob and shouts "Dinner Time!" at the poor hairy one... AGAIN!

Morcombe & Wise: Christmas Special - No, I'd not seen it before either, but it's apparently really old, they just never show it on TV. It was really pants.

Dads Army: Who Do You Think You're Kidding? - The clue was in the title of this one.

Hang on, if you've not got a TV, what's with the computer???

Blurry-eye?

Have you heard? Blur have reformed!!! YESSSS!!!!!!!

Some people think it's the best news since Hole In The Wall was first aired, others think it's a right load of guff. But which camp are you in? Take my new test to find out...

When you heard Blur were back together did you...
a) Punch the air, then your boss, shout "This is NOT a low!" and run home with damp trousers?
b) Whip yourself with a kettle flex as tears of guilt ran down you cheeks?
c) Ban your son from leaving the house so that his fat, pikey mate won't upset him again?
d) Vomit?
e) Nearly smile?


If you answered...
a> You like Blur, which is good because you are now jobless, not for the boss-punching but the terrible smart-arse pun. You're also covered in piss!
b> You'd never admit it but you like Blur too. You're like a monk who saw Kerry Katona on Heat accidentally and got a semi chunk-on. Or you're Noel Gallagher.
c> You're Graham Coxon's mother.
d> You're hung over and no news could keep that sausage sarnie down. How you feel about Blur is now staring at you from the stained carpet, you wretched creature.
e> You're Dave Rowntree (oh c'mon! The guy in Blur? The drummer? Always miserable? HE SITS AT THE BACK)

One For The London Partiers

Remember when Hoxton Bar & Grill was a solid night out? Well it's not anymore. Not on a Saturday at least.

Myself and three friends went this week, see. We (me, Egg Face, Walter and The Duke) queued up for an age, noticing that the bouncers were timing when to let in the next dozen people - "It's only been 9 minutes," says Meat For Brains 2 to Steroid Tits 1 as he counts down that crucial last 60 seconds. But the real joke was inside, at Sausage Fest 2009!

I don't care that there were few girls there (I'm taken), but what irked was the fact that dancing to the fucking awful DJ, still mixing Fat Man Scoop with 'Jump Around' (SERIOUSLY!), were the most retched lasses I've seen since putting up with shitholes in Southend. The lads we're all agro-seekers from nearby office jobs, chasing skirt and STIs from the present rancid girls. Intimidating, vile and soundtracked by the worst music this side of DJ Luck & MC Neat. Avoid like a frenchie from Amy Whiiiinehouse!

Tardiness

Sorry I've been so tardy recently chucks. All sorts of stuff has been going on.

Truth be told, Rod and I had a little of a falling out (which his missus, Penny, joked was 'just like his weave'- we laughed) about this whole "I've-reformed-The-Faces-but-will-not-be-asking-you-to-play-instead-of-Ronnie-the-crow" thing. We've sorted it all out now, after Rod bought my friendship back... like he does. I love my new tennis court, even if I do still believe that Ronnie is a traitor for joining The Stones.

Good to see Rod in NME last week too, and about bloody time. For some reason he wasn't the cover star, which was odd, but he's still framed the article next to cuttings from Select, Mojo and Short Stop (a Dutch mag for the vertically challenged gent).

Promise to write again soon, now that I'm sleeping at night again.

Evil Slime-man

Just been reading this month's OMM,which is usually a cracking little read. But, namely for one reason, this latest issue smells like a rotting shit.

If you've bothered leafing through the new mag you'll no doubt have read a feature by Eva Wiseman on the NME, whereby she spent a week in the silly mag's office. Now, we all like an NME-bash every now and then but Wiseman is clearly a slimy witch. She makes sly digs at Editor Conor Mcnicholas, his staff - whom a not young Eva is clearly jealous of - and the NME building (yeah, what a desperate hag, aye?).

Most annoyingly, Evil Slime-man fails to mention how she was a freelance writer for the magazine for a good number of years. So, Eva, do you sound jealous and bitter? YES! Was a job that was meant to be yours given to someone with a haircut that matched their age? PROBABLY! But most importantly, does you spending a week at NME mean that the mag (grotty in their policies or not) is still relevant (something that Slime-man seems to be investigating)? Clearly.

And your relations with one of Vincent Vincent And The Villains (a band that NME rightly can't stand) is probably something you should keep shtum about also.