RIP Michael Jackson

How can a man who can do this be anything but class? And don't say "by touching kids!"

Oh Piers OFF!

Piers Morgan - a man famed for building up gutter celebs to knock em down and fumble his pecker at the thought - has said that he blames the press for big Susie Boyle's breakdown, or whatever you want to call losing Britain's Got Talent.

In other news, Michael Jackson has said that Cher's plastic surgery "makes her look unnatural", Jordan has commented on fake breasts by saying "people who get them are wankers", and Noel Edmunds has lashed out at Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, branding it "a game of complete chance".

Think you get what I'm saying here... Piers Morgan is prick!

Alton (golden) Showers!

Hey Losers, ever been to Alton Towers? My and Rod went today and it was the cat's pajamas!

Sure, everyone in there seems to be sponsored by Gio-Goi, and yeah, if you're not wearing a tracksuit you're considered gayer than a window, but wait til you see the rides.

After browning my kecks on Oblivion (it travels at 40MPH, people!) I washed them of in the Log Flume, which had specially heated water so us thrill seekers weren't too cold if we got wet. NICE!

You can stick your Blob up your arse!

So I just saw on the front of some cack paper - probably The Sun - that Robbie Williams now wants in on the Take That reunion. There it was on page 1 of the rage, Blobbie's fat, bloated coke face saying "I'm Ready!"

I bet you fucking are you lardy bastard. Gary Barlow's done wonders turning that band around without your fat arse mooning from the tour bus. And do you think he'd have managed that with you in the group still? WOULD HE FUCK!

No one likes a beg-friend Robert, just asked Jonathan Wilkes.

Know your NME

Hands up, who popped dog dirt in my mouth while I slept? Only joking, that was me of course, but I think the rank taste is due to the boss time I had at the NME Awards last night.

This is how the evening broke down for me...

6.30pm - Arrived at Brixton Academy to find out that Nandos hadn't shown with the grub for us guests.
6:35pm - Eat wedges from local poor-man's KFC.
7:00pm - Two of Girls Aloud turn up - the hot ginger one and the really rude looker.
7:13pm - News breaks that Jay-Z has heard about the Nandos fiasco and is now refusing to show.
7:30pm - Muse turn up and have shrunk 5 inches since last year.
8:00pm - A man comes on stage and says, "The Awards are going to start now. It's going to be on telly so whatever you do don't bring your cans of Red Stripe to the podium because offcom will have my balls in a vice."
8:03pm - NME editor Conor McNicholas introduces the awards with a can of RED STRIPE on the podium.
8:04 - 10:00pm - All sorts of people win awards. Dizzee Rascal jumps in the crowd to escape the terrible presenter, Glasvegas embarrass themselves by covering Elivs badly, with a man called Florence Machine.
10:01pm - A man dressed as a badger wins the final Godlike Genius award and plays with his band.
10:17pm - With the badger singing about "loving Fridays", Sarah Harding form Girls Aloud dabs what appears to be sherbert on her lips and gums. She is happy.

.. and so am I as another classic NME Awards draws to a close.

Crystal Arseholes

You'll not believe this guys, but you know that band Crystal Castles? Yeah y'do, they're that boy/girl duo from Canada. The fella's 38 but swears he's 25 so it doesn't look like his a total pedophile when he's sleazing all over his band mate, Alice. No? Okay, well it's not important because, having sold 5 copies of their album, they'll not be around long I'm sure.

The story goes that the mag I work for, Loud And Quiet, kindly gave them a cover feature, thinking they were great. The band then kicked up a fuss because they didn't like the photo L&Q were intending to use, which the band willingly posed for. Having seen the photo posted on Andrew Kendall's (the photographer) website the day after the shoot, the band hounded Andrew rudely stating that "it was a terrible picture". Loud And quiet ran it anyway, sticking to their guns, prompting the band to email the editor threatening legal action, while pretending to be their manager (very mature).

Recently the band started complaining again because promoters have been using the picture to advertise CC gigs, even though - gasp - "the band really hate that picture". They've just blocked the mag from their myspace page (again, mature, old man, very mature) and so here's the picture. Please use it everywhere you can, and simply credit the brilliant photographer Andrew Kendall. And if you want the high res to print posters or big fuck-off posters, please contact the snapper at www.andrewkendall.com. It's a pretty great picture I think, and surely the band don't have a problem with it because of Ethan's rad T-shirt, although his Ghost Busters one must have be in the wash that day, which I'm sure was a bitter pill for him to swallow, the cunt!

Coke Is A Joke... and sometimes nice?

So Lily Allen has been attacked in the press for glorifying drugs or something...

Well, if you ask me, what she said in a recent interview with The Word magazine is completely true and we should all stop being naive little bed-wetters.

Lily said: "The only [newspaper] story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you - I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem. But we never hear that side of the story."

And, sorry Dail Mail readers, it's completely true. Cocaine makes you nob-head, won't do anything for the size of your junk and causes all sorts of health and money problems. And yet it's used by a lot of people A LOT of the time who lead functional lives, get bored and stop their silly drug phase.

And another thing, girls do poos too!